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A dissertation on my dislike for director Brett Ratner

By   /   November 8, 2011  /   13 Comments

So I survived riding in the metal tube 40,000 feet in the air in defiance of God’s wishes. Did I mention that? I was on the plane, but I’m not any more and I’m alive still. It was exciting and exhilarating and I hope to never do it again, so let us agree to never discuss it any further. Instead, let us get back to the business of blogging and the mutual discussion of something we can all find interesting, such as, I don’t know, making fun of toolbags. That sound good? Agree with me if that sounds good.

Alright, we are all agreed. Let’s talk about Brett Ratner.

Brett Ratner, you say, who’s that? First off, lucky you. Second, you remember how the first X-Men movie was pretty good and got everyone interested in seeing superheroes in movies, and then the second one was so ohmygod good that you literally could not wait for the third to come out like five seconds after you left the theater, and then the third one did come out and you were all, wow, that was possibly the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of terrible things. Do you remember all that? All of it was Brett Ratner’s fault.

Brett Ratner was the director of X-Men 3: X-MEN WIT’ THE BIGGER SPLOSIONS. It was a crime against humanity. He also directed the Rush Hour movies, but I will go to great pains to explain that the third Rush Hour movie did not ruin the Rush Hour series, because those movies were crap to begin with. But altogether, I think I’ve managed to explain to you that Brett Ratner has basically ruined movies forever. Also, he looks like this:

Two! Two is the number of boobs I’ve touched!

Very punchable, right? Like suddenly that’s all you can think about? Punching this guy in the face? I’m just saying he gives off a very strong punching vibe.

Anyway, Brett Ratner has a new film out called Tower Heights, and I will mention that it is probably terrible despite not having seen it nor it having anything to do with this blog posting. But since Brett Ratner is invested in the idea of people paying to see his terrible movie, he is making the rounds on the interview circuits, and since he is a bad film maker and has a face you can’t stop thinking about punching, logic dictates that he is also incredibly stupid. You are right! You are so very right about him being stupid, because he proves this fact by saying stupid things. Like, for instance, the subtle and complicated intricacies of his relationship with actress Olivia Munn:

“I used to date Olivia Munn, I’ll be honest with everyone here. But when she was ‘Lisa.’ She wasn’t Asian back then,” he said. “She was hanging out on my set of ‘After the Sunset,’ I banged her a few times, but I forgot her. Because she changed her name. I didn’t know it was the same person and so when she auditioned for me for a TV show, I forgot her, she got pissed off, and so she made up all these stories about me eating shrimp and masturbating in my trailer. And she talked about my shortcomings.”

Classy. They should call this guy Brett Classner, he’s that classy. I don’t have a lot of rules when it comes to judging people, because I usually just like to wing it and just do what feels right before coming to believe that a person is a bag of tools, but one steadfast rule I do adhere to is that if you’ve ever used the phrase “banged” when describing the action of making love to a beautiful woman, then you are most definitely a douche. Don’t argue with me, science is on my side.

Anyway, Brett Classner apologized on the Howard Stern show, because that is a thing people do a lot on the Howard Stern show, apologize for being douchy. Turns out he never really “banged” Olivia Munn. But still, she is totally two different people, one Asian and one non-Asian, that he stands by. But the apologizing must have been a lot of fun for him, because he then immediately goes and does something else he needs to apologize for at a Q&A session for his unquestionably terrible movie Tower Heights. When asked about the subject of rehearsing, which is a thing that talented people do to prove that they are not terrible at their jobs, Brett said:

“Rehearsal? What’s that? Rehearsal’s for fags. Rehearsal. Not much. A lot of prep, preparation, complex action sequences, visual effects. Storyboards, animatics. The process was I made the actors stick to the script. And they wanted to, because the script was great.”

If you read that whole thing, first thing I’ll need you to do is get over the shock of finding out that Brett Ratner is not a proponent of rehearsal. Shocking, that. But did you notice that one sentence at the front? You might’ve missed it, so I will tell you that apparently rehearsal is a thing that only homosexuals do. Those gay people, always with the rehearsing, am I right? It’s like, enough with all the rehearsing, you gay people. It’s getting embarrassing.

Yes, Brett Ratner is at the same ability level of expressing his feelings as a YouTube commenter. Again, shocking. So many shocking things about this Brett Ratner. But since he has become so good at the apologizing for the stupid things he routinely says, he gave this one a shot too. But color me disappointed. Check this out.

“I apologize for any offense my remarks caused. It was a dumb way of expressing myself. Everyone who knows me knows that I don’t have a prejudiced bone in my body. But as a storyteller I should have been much more thoughtful about the power of language and my choice of words.”

A lot to unpack here, so let’s start at the beginning. First, please note the classic non-apology apology trick of not actually apologizing for his own actions, namely using the word “fags,” but rather for anyone taking offense at his usage of the word “fags.” See, Brett Ratner is not sorry about his own actions, but he is very sorry about yours. He’s sorry that you’re offended by what a humongous idiot he is.

But despite how sorry Brett Ratner is about how offended you are by him on a personal level, it doesn’t excuse the fact that your offense is only because of how stupid you are. Because anyone who knows Brett Ratner personally knows he doesn’t have a single prejudiced bone in his body. That’s right. If you were best friends with Brett Ratner, you’d already know this isn’t a big deal, because he can say something is for fags without it being offensive because of how completely non-prejudiced he is. But he wouldn’t expect you to know how awesome he is, since you don’t really know him all that well. Sorry you’re so uninformed.

But if there’s one thing Brett Ratner is really sorry about, it’s that he made this mistake in spite of how great he is as an artist. He’s a storyteller! Like the story he told in Rush Hour 1, where Jackie Chan karate kicked things and Chris Tucker made jokes about it, or the story of Rush Hour 2, where Jackie Chan karate kicked more things and Chris Tucker made more jokes about it. As a storyteller (which Brett Ratner clearly is), he should have known that words have meanings, instead of being the sounds our mouths make when they move while air is expelled out of them. So Brett Ratner is very sorry about that sound he made that sounded like “fags” because storytellers shouldn’t do that, when they should’ve probably said “homos” instead.

So there we have it. You now know way more about Brett Ratner and what a huge bag of douche he quite clearly is then you did just fifteen minutes ago, and yet you still remain largely the same person as you were before. What was the point of all this then? I don’t know. I just don’t like Brett Ratner is all.

Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and takes a perverse sort of pleasure in the humiliation of people he doesn’t like at a visceral level. Send him your favorite Chris Tucker lines to sodblog@me.com or visit his website at sodblog.com.

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I came into this world naked, covered in blood and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.

13 Comments

  1. Maryann says:

    Referred here from a Cracked article. I’m really glad I came, Erik. This was a scream. Thanks for the best celebri-bashing I’ve read all year.

    • Erik Hagen says:

      Thanks a lot, I appreciate it. The Cracked link has been very good for traffic, although going forward, now I have to worry every time I post something that someone might actually read it. Which frightens me terribly.

  2. [...] been all over the news. I first noticed him when he talked openly in an interview about “banging Olivia Munn” and then promptly forgetting her. He later went on the Howard Stern show and apologized, claiming that he in fact did NOT have sex [...]

  3. Anders says:

    As a matter of fact I think people is taking his commentswaaayyy too seriously. Many of my friends say “this is gay” when referring to something lame and they certainly do not mean anything bad with that.

    • Erik Hagen says:

      Many of your friends are gay. I certainly don’t mean anything bad by that.

    • brokensoldier says:

      It doesn’t matter that they did not mean to offend others in making such remarks. The only thing that matters is that their remarks were offensive.

  4. Kendra says:

    I’d never heard of this guy; nonetheless I enjoyed the shit out of your analysis of him. “Bag of tools” is so poetic and so apt.

    • Erik Hagen says:

      I’d love to take credit for it, but “Bag of Tools” is actually Brett Ratner’s middle name. No, really. I’m almost positive.

  5. AustinDM says:

    Also referred here from a Cracked article. Gutsy move from them referring to an article funnier than theirs. ;)

    • Erik Hagen says:

      Gutsy, to be certain, but I won’t complain. It has fulfilled my lifelong dream of having an article linked to by someone under the words “‘banging’ Olivia Munn and then promptly forgetting her.”

  6. Andi says:

    Interesting read after hearing Ratner’s phone call/interview on Howard Stern replayed over the weekend. He is gross.

  7. [...] lot, typically by politicians when they offhandedly refer to Mexicans as “wetbacks” or if you use the sentence “rehearsing is for fags” for some stupid reason. So how is this one not really apologizing? Well, you might have noticed the word “if” [...]

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