Hey, you know what’s fun? Advertisements. Advertisements are fun. No, wait, hear me out. Advertisements are fun to watch exactly one time during the year, and that’s during the Super Bowl. Because that’s when all of the big advertisers come out to shine, since I guess everyone is watching TV that day, for whatever reason. I guess people like watching football. No, I don’t know why.
So this year, a bunch of big advertisements aired during the parts of the Super Bowl where nobody was playing football, which happened a lot, and I watched them on my TV and took careful notes on the emotions they caused me, and now I’m writing about them on the Internet. The circle of life, is what they call that, I think. And now, without any further delay, I present to you some of the ads that aired during the Super Bowl, and what I thought about them. Contain your excitement. I SAID CONTAIN IT.
Kids like vampires. With the Twilight and the True Blood and the Vampire Diaries and all that crap, it’s a proven fact that all of the kids are really into vampires right now. So how do you make all these dumb kids buy your cars, car companies? Simple, you make a vampire commercial! With vampires in it! Let it never be said that the ad geniuses working for Audi are not the smartest people you know, because they are so very, very much.
“So did you catch the Words For Friends joke with them on the airplane? Did you get that? It was like the thing with Alec Baldwin where he got kicked off that plane! Did you get that? Did you laugh? No? Dammit! We need to make these commercials faster.” – Best Buy.
Ha, good one, Bud Light! With your fancy blue bottles and classy names, you almost managed to trick me into drinking domestic light beer. Nice try, “Bud Light,” assuming that is your name!
One would think that, after fifteen consecutive years of Super Bowl monkey ads, I would eventually tire of seeing monkeys dressed up as people. But I don’t. More monkeys wearing people clothing, please. It is the best.
I’ll bet you’d always thought that cat murder would a subject too verboten to be the subject of a Super Bowl advertisement, huh? Well, guess what? You’re wrong! Again! How does it feel to be so wrong all the time? Bad, right? Anyway, this made me laugh a bit, because how did that dog learn to write? Dogs can’t do that. Also, if the cat had just gone missing (i.e. just been murdered by the dog), how did that MISSING sign get up so fast? And then why did his wife just ask him if he’d seen the cat? You already put up MISSING signs! Why are you just now asking him if he’d seen the cat? Anyway, they really should have gone with airing this ad instead, because this one is both much funnier and doesn’t have gaping plot holes in the narrative.
YEAH! You have got me psyched up, Clint Eastwood! I am so charged up right now! Let’s go blow up the rest of the world! It’s halftime in America!
This ad, by the way, I hear from Karl Rove, was some kind of political advertisement for Barack Obama. Well, I’m here to say that is ridiculous, and it totally worked. OBAMA 2012! Dirty Harry told me to!
I don’t have a lot of rules for my Super Bowl ads, but one that I do stick to is I like any ad that involves Christina Aguilera being thrown through a wall or the guy from Maroon Five being punched in the face. Those are things that I endorse. But have we really not, as a nation, burned through our Betty White phase yet? I get it, everybody. She’s a national treasure. Let’s move on and find some other old person to get creepily obsessed over. Like Charlotte Rae? Why not Charlotte Rae? She’s still alive! Right?
So there’s a kid in the pool, and suddenly the kid has to pee. Perfectly natural. He’s in a warm body of water. Of course he has to pee. But once he gets inside, all these other kids are already using up all of the bathrooms, and kind of being blatant jerks about it. But the kid has to pee so badly that he jumps back into the pool and pees there. And then the other kid who kept him from using the bathroom jumps into the pool, unknowingly exposing herself to this kid’s pee water. Justice is served, I guess, not really. And all of this story is somehow connected to doing your taxes online at TaxACT. Don’t ask me how. I don’t get any of this either.
Did you know that Mean Joe Greene was still alive? Well, he’s not. But that didn’t stop Downy from making an advertisement starring him, apparently. Also, Amy Sedaris. Hi, Amy Sedaris! I remember you! From back when you still had your pride!
There were more ads then just these ones. So many, in fact, that I spread them out onto three blogs, because I have three blogs that I write for. I know, right? Why do I do that? The important thing is that I do, and if you like, you can read the other two blogs I wrote about the Super Bowl ads by going here and here. Or you can stop right now. It is up to you. All I care about is that you were entertained. And, that if you were entertained, you compensate me fairly for it. Because that’s how advertising works.
Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and is serious about that whole fair compensation thing. Send the amount of money you clearly owe him to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at SodBlog.com.