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It is not okay to speak ill of Saved by the Bell

By   /   June 8, 2012  /   No Comments

Okay, before we get into the subject of today’s post, I first need to tell you to CALM DOWN. We are going to be discussing something potentially very upsetting to you on a personal level, and I need to know that you are not going to go into hysterics and end up hurting yourself or someone else within close proximity to you. Can you guarantee me that you’re going to be alright? Pinky swear with me right now, that you can keep a handle on your oversensitive emotions and then we can safely continue. You’re good? Alright then.

So here it is. Remember, you are an adult and you can handle this news as one, but only if you make the choice to do so. Let’s do this thing. Mark-Paul Gosselaar, who you know better as Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell, current c0-star of TNT’s Franklin & Bash (He’s Franklin. Or Bash. I don’t know. You don’t either.) and the star of your every night’s dream, said in an interview recently that Saved by the Bell was “not a great show.”

EASY! EASY! CALM DOWN! IF THERE IS ANYONE ELSE READING THIS RIGHT NOW, PLEASE RESTRAIN YOUR FRIEND BEFORE HE/SHE BREAKS ANY MORE WALLS WITH THEIR HEAD. DON’T READ ANYTHING ABOVE THIS PARAGRAPH! I CAN’T HAVE THE BOTH OF YOU FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW.

Are we better now? Now that you’re tied to your chair like that? God, I hope so. I understand. I was mad too. But I got over it, because I can do that since I am awesome. You can too. I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you that. I don’t like having to destroy your world like that on a Friday like I just did. I take no pleasure from your misery, I can assure you.

Now that you’ve probably entered into the denial stage of your grief coping method, I must tell you what was actually said, at the risk of your flipping out some more. In an interview with Yahoo TV, Mark-Paul Gosselaar said about Saved by the Bell that “The writing is kind of hokey… it’s very much a piece of that time.” Time out! Hokey? HOKEY? How dare you, Mark-Paul Gosselaar? How can anyone think that this was hokey?

Caffeine pills. Still the number one killer of teenagers in America.

Anyway, so Zack Morris said that in an interview, and naturally everyone in America FREAKED RIGHT THE FREAK OUT. Because how dare you, Zack Morris, say that Zack Morris wasn’t history’s deepest and most well thought-out character? Saved by the Bell revolutionized television, with its innovation of having a character who could talk directly to the audience AND freeze the actions of everyone else on screen at will. Nobody had ever done that before! Also, he invented the cell phone! They didn’t have those before Saved by the Bell!

Another great thing, Screech had a robot roommate named Kevin that he built by himself which was capable of sentient thought and feeling human emotions. Why was he even in high school? Shouldn’t we have made Screech President or something?

I’m drifting off topic, namely that Saved by the Bell was awesome, and we must now kill Mark-Paul Gosselaar for ruining our childhoods. We were all this close to hanging Mark-Paul Gosselaar in the streets for making history’s most outrageous comments, but fortunately for the sanctity of maintaining human civilization, Zack Morris did the right thing and furiously backpedaled. His words were taken out of context! When he said, verbatim, that “It’s not a great show. The writing is kind of hokey,” what he really meant to say was that “That’s why people like it! I wasn’t saying it was a bad show, just that the writing reflected 80s cheesiness.” WHEW! Thank God Mark-Paul Gosselaar wasn’t trying to say that Saved by the Bell was a bad show when he said that it was a bad show. I can stop screaming and setting fire to my desk while I’m writing this.

So that’s everything that was worth caring about that happened this week. We were all mad at Zack Morris but now we’re cool again. Everybody back to your lives! We can all pretend that none of this ever happened!

Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and is still uncertain how Mario Lopez, current host of entertainment news magazine Extra and the whitest non-white person on Earth, ever got away with calling another human being “Preppie.” Send your theories to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at sodblog.com.

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I came into this world naked, covered in blood and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.

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