Ugh, the degree to which I hate Glee.
The following is a list of things that I would rather subject myself to in place of watching Glee:
-Chinese water torture
-eye-touching with your finger
-learn to stop an oscillating fan with my tongue
-eat the thing currently on the bottom of my shoe
-watch Jay Leno
-spend a day at my hometown
-remove all of the hairs from my arm one by one
-set the world record for most Drano consumed in an hour
-an Adam Sandler movie marathon (including all of the movies he gave his friends the money to make, yes, even Grandma’s Boy)
-have a philosophical discussion with a 12-year-old Justin Beiber fan
-practice how to properly take a punch to the testicles
-stare out into the void and have it stare back into me
-watch five episodes of Two and a Half Men.
What I’m saying is, I cannot think of one thing on this planet that could possibly be worse than Glee.
Wait, no. Stop. I did just think of one thing. If Glenn Beck were to make his own version of Glee, that would, logistically speaking, have to be even worse somehow. Also, what fresh hell is this I have awoken into?
You remember Glenn Beck, right? He used to have a show on the teevee. The Glenn Beck Comedy and Variety Hour, I believe they called it. That or Hee Haw. I don’t recall.
Anyway, you’d be surprised to know that Glenn Beck is still alive. He’s on the radio now, which is why I kinda forgot about his existence. Because, radio? What’s that? Can I get radio on the Internet? I don’t think I can.
So, yeah, he’s on the radio now, and he must be bored. Having a radio show is very boring, since you don’t have to write or prepare or really do anything other than talk to random idiots who know your phone number for three hours in a row every day, which leaves a whole 21 hours a day left to fill. Rush Limbaugh fills them with Twinkies and pills, and Howard Stern with his pottery classes. Glenn Beck does not know what to do with all of his free time, so he is going to make his own Glee. No, I am not joking.
Now maybe you watched that video and maybe you didn’t, because maybe you were pretty sure he was going to inevitably start crying at some point and that always makes you uncomfortable.
Maybe now you’ll read this interview he did with BuzzFeed on the subject, or maybe you won’t because it seems kind of long and gets a little depressing with the amount of times Glenn Beck feels the need to assure you that he’s not nearly as irrelevant as everybody thinks he is. I’ll tell you some of the things that he said in these two outlets.
“It’s horrifying some of the things that they’re teaching high schoolers. But it’s brilliantly done. It’s produced brilliantly. Its music, brilliant. Its acting, brilliant. Its cinematography, brilliant. All of it!”
“It teaches kids to have sex and to do drugs and to do drugs while they’re having sex and that being gay isn’t totally icky. But the acting and the cinematography and the razzle dazzle are all just FAB-U-LOUS!”
“We are working with a rapper — I can’t say who yet — but my audience and his audience will say, ‘What?’”
A rapper! Did you hear that, people? Glenn Beck has a rapper! A rapper for his Glee show! Which rapper is it? There are a lot of rappers, right? Must be at least 50 or so, right? Glenn doesn’t say, but when you find out which rapper Glenn Beck has, you’re going to be all like, “What?” and he’ll be all like, “Mmm-hmm, that’s right,” and you’ll be all “Head Explodes!” That is how impressed you will be by Glenn Beck’s rapper.
“We jokingly call this our Oedipus project because the left will be making out with me… and they’ll have no idea. Somebody will say, ‘Do you know that’s…?’ and they’ll say, ‘Oh I don’t care, I just really like the music.’”
Do you hear that, liberals? You will be making out with Glenn Beck and you won’t even know it. That is Glenn Beck’s insidious plan, tricking you into kissing him, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. Also, Glenn Beck really has some issues.
“The conservative movement needs a Dick Clark. And I hope to fill some of that vacuum.”
Kids, you may recall Dick Clark as the person who a few weeks ago died of old age. Rest assured, youth of America, Glenn Beck will be filling in for all the relevancy that Dick Clark had in your lives up until just recently.
See, here’s the mistake that Glenn Beck is making, which is odd, because Glenn Beck is almost never mistaken about anything. Glenn Beck wants to destroy Glee because he thinks that it teaches kids to be something other than conservative, and that is something that Glenn Beck cannot tolerate because that is just the kind of person that Glenn Beck is.
Problem being, he needn’t waste his time, his money and his effort on this incredibly stupid idea of his – Glee with more Pat Boone and Ted Nugent in it. If he really wanted to make Glee go away, he needn’t bother to do anything at all. Because what’s really going to destroy Glee is Glee.
The show has been on for three years now. It ran out of story ideas about halfway through its first season. Glee doesn’t need your help dying a painful death, Glenn Beck. It’s taking care of that all on its own just fine, thank you very much.
By the way, three years. Three years is how long it took you to notice that Glee was on the air, Glenn Beck. Maybe if you hadn’t wasted all that time crying about the president being a communist, you could’ve gotten the damn show off the air already. You worked at Fox, man! It’s their stupid show! All you had to do was say something to Rupert Murdoch while you still had something resembling relevancy. Why are you just getting on this now that you’re unemployed and destitute? Can’t you do anything right?
Anyway, I guess now is the point where I should apologize. I had mistakenly believed that all of this Mayan nonsense was a bunch of hooey, but turns out they might have been on to something. Because I really don’t see any way of introducing a Glenn Beck version of Glee into a world where a Glee already exists without all of us gettin violently and horrifically sucked into a universal black hole of suck, forever shattering existence through the sheer power of all that terribleness coming into contact with itself. So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry this is happening and that it all had to end like this. This is a terrible way for the world to end.
Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and going to get angry correspondences from both Gleeks and Glenn Beck fans now. Ugh. Don’t send your emails to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at sodblog.com.