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The Olympics: A thing that is happening right now

By   /   August 3, 2012  /   No Comments

OLYMPICS FEVER. Do you have it? Do you have the Olympics Fever right now? Well, got get an Olympic Thermometer and test to see if you have the Olympics Fever. You do? Better take some Olympics Penicillin. You should maybe go fill up your Olympics Bathtub with Olympics Ice Cubes and go lay in it for a while, because it is of utmost importance that you get your Olympics Fever down right away before it causes any permenant damage to your heart.

It’s the Olympics right now, or rather it’s been the Olympics for a week already and I’m just mentioning it now, because of how busy I have been watching the Olympics. My wife does not want to miss the Olympics, so she programmed our DVR to record all of the Olympics in HD format, so that we could watch them all later. This morning, I heard my DVR begging me for death, which was weird, because I didn’t know it could do that. Anyway, point being, I am on Olympics overload right now, and it is just about time that I wrote about it, because what else can I write about? Chick Fil-A? Everything about that makes me angry. Let’s write about the Olympics.

So what should I write about? There’s this.

Those very uncomfortable people are the parents of US gymnast Aly Raisman, and not two random people in the audience having concurrent strokes like I had originally thought when I first saw this. They are just very excited to watch their daughter perform, as you can see by watching the video, and I can only hope that none of the people sitting around them considering punching them, because I probably would have. I just don’t like it when somebody puts their head onto my shoulder while I’m trying to watch gymnastics. That’s just me.

Anyway, Aly finished in tie for third place at the all-around finals last night, but lost the bronze to the Russian gymnast in a tiebreaker. Which is to say, I am very worried about the parents of Aly Raisman right now. I just hope that they are alright. Aly, if you are reading this, can you please let me know if your parents are alright? I am very worried about them.

Also happening at the Olympics, Ryan Lochte. Have you seen this guy? Have you? Lord, he is something. He won gold in his first race on Saturday, so I immediately thought “Hey, he’s the new Michael Phelps. Don’t we still have the old Michael Phelps?” Yup. We do. And he still wins the gold medals, it turns out, but Ryan Lochte not as much. But let’s forget about what an enormous disappointment Ryan Lochte is as an athlete. Let’s forget how terrible Ryan Lochte is at doing interviews. Let’s instead acknowledge his undeniable greatness as a Tweeter. Because look at this.

Dude, deep. See, bro, you need to get out of the water right now and pick up a pen and some paper, because as a writer, I concede to you. You win. Try though I might, I don’t believe I can ever top “Too travel is sometimes better to arrive!” I retroactively retire from the writing profession.

That first tweet, by the way, “jeah” is his catchphrase. Because Ryan Lochte has a catchphrase. Because of course he does.

Enough of Ryan Lochte. He is yesterday’s news. Because I don’t want to focus on unbecoming ways a second longer when I could be acknowledging our greatest Olympic champion. No, not Gabby Douglas. No, not Alison Schmitt. No, not the Dream Team or Redeem Team or Esteem Team or Devonshire Cream Team or whatever they’re calling themselves this year. This year’s greatest Olympian is this 90-year-old pole vaulter Dr. William Bell, and I do not care that his not actually in the Olympics. That is an irrelevant piece of information, because he is 90 years old and pole vaults, because I cannot and will not be able to do that at any age. This guy is better than me by every discernible measure at the age of 90, and that is just enough inspiration for me to go home right now and lie down on my couch and never get up off of it ever again.

So that’s your Olympics blog post. Please keep an eye out here at the Examiner for Tim Flagstad’s upcoming series of blogs on site from the Olympics in London, which I assume will be more than just a series of sarcastic asides that are only just vaguely Olympics-related. Or maybe they will be, who knows. Either way, I have now written of the Olympics and it is back to bed for me. See you in another four years!

Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and serious about the going back to bed thing. Send your Olympic story to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at SodBlog.com.

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I came into this world naked, covered in blood and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.

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