Public restrooms. Do you hate them like I hate them? Ugh. Do you know what people do in them? Horrible things. Terrible things. Horrible, terrible things. We can all agree that public restrooms are awful and that you would avoid them altogether, if you were given that option.
But since you will, at some point in your life, be forced to use a toilet, what can you do to protect yourself from the other people who used it before you? Previously, nothing, except maybe buying a new toilet at Home Depot before every usage, which ends up being prohibitively expensive. Which is why I have long championed the idea of the disposable toilet. But since nobody ever listens to me, you will be pleased to know that there is finally a more affordable alternative. A more affordable, and way, way more disgusting alternative.
Prepare yourself. This is….the Potty Pax. YES. YOU SHOULD STOP READING RIGHT ABOUT NOW.
As usual, I know exactly what you are thinking. Finally! Portable dysentery! Who hasn’t in the past, when using one of the old-fashioned paper covers for a public toilet seat, thought to themselves, “You know, these are great and all, but wouldn’t they be even better if I could fold them up and take them home with me for future usage?” Dreams do come true! Also, what is wrong with you? Gah. Don’t even look at me anymore.
Now just in case you’re not figuring out exactly how the Potty Pax works, I am here to break down the process for you, in horrifying detail.
It’s like this: First, you carry the Potty Pax around with you everywhere you go, in its own special carrying case (with arm straps!), which I will point out to you, are very clearly marked as being Potty Pax bags. So if people ask you what’s in the bag you’re carrying around that has the word Potty on it, make sure you tell them that it’s the thing you use to put on the toilet so you don’t have to touch it with your skin.
Then, when nature does call, simply remove the Potty Pax from its carrying case, strap it onto the toilet seat, sit on the Potty Pax, do your business, and then remove the Potty Pax from the toilet seat with your hands, fold it back up, again, with your hands, put it back into its bag, carry the bag out with you from the restroom so that everyone can see you, go home with it in your possession, then throw it into the washing machine with as much bleach as you can find in your house.
You’ve magically managed to use a public toilet seat without having to make any contact with it, except for all of the contact that you just made with it!
Wait, no, stop screaming and projective vomiting. This is not that horrifying, in spite of the fact that you are essentially transporting all of the toilet bacteria with you everywhere you go. Try not to dwell on that fact. Rather, think of it as a Snuggie for your naked butt. That’s better, right? It seems like it should be.
Now assuming you’re not too busy kicking yourself for not having thought of this first, you’re probably wondering how many hundreds of dollars it will cost you to own this fine product. Would you believe only $19.99? You would? Because that’s how much everything costs in infomercials? Yeah, well, shut up. And yes, for only $19.99, you can make your Potty Pax ownership dreams into a reality
Remember, you also get the toiletries to put into the Potty Pax pockets for free, so there is also that. And, honestly, who hasn’t wanted to carry their own toilet paper with them instead of using the one-ply that Target provides? That kind of justifies the purchase all in itself.
So why are you still reading this? You do know that supplies are limited, in the sense that these people are probably going to go out of business at any moment now? Buy one for everyone in your family, so that your children don’t end up fighting over them. And remember, Freddy the Frog is for boys and Liz Ladybug is for girls. I cannot stress how important that is.
Potty Pax! You put it on a toilet, then carry it with you all day long! Yes, really!
Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and, in spite of his cynicism, would like it to be known that he is no fan of cartoon toilet fecal matter. Send your complaints (of which I’m certain there is many) to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at SodBlog.com.