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Why there is no “i” in my iPhone

By   /   September 14, 2012  /   No Comments

Okay, so I already wrote my “Chris Brown is a massive tool” blog post earlier this week. What’s that other thing I only ever write about? Oh, yes. That’s right. Apple.

The iPhone 5 was announced this week. You might have heard about it. It was on the news. It’s the iPhone, but this time, it’s 5. Except not, because it’s really the sixth iPhone, but shhhhhh. For those interested in knowing what’s different about this iPhone, it’s that this one is longer. And it has 4G LTE speed. And a faster computer chip. And a nominally better camera. And a new connector. And….that’s about it. “$300 more dollars, please!” – Apple.

Naturally, today I’m going to tell you all about how desperately I want one. Because this is the story of me, my money, and how it and I are about to go our separate ways.

Whenever I close my eyes, this is all I can see.

Journey with me back in time to February 10 of 2011. That was the date when I purchased an iPhone for the very first time in my life, making it the most important day of my life. (Okay, fine, third most important day of my life. Happy now, wife and child?) If you can remember to back before then, in what I like to refer to as the Dark Ages, iPhones were only ever available to AT&T customers, because that was a genius business plan, monopolizing sales of a highly popular cell phone to only one cell phone provider who only had service in roughly 2/3rds of the country, and incredibly crappy service at that. So February 10, 2011 was the first day that the iPhone was made available to Verizon customers, making it the day that I bought my iPhone. All was good and well. I was happy, or as close as I ever come to that human emotion.

Later that year, the iPhone 4S was released. The iPhone 4S was exactly like the iPhone 4, except for the S. Which I assume stands for Siri, because that is literally the only thing that was any different about it. And Siri, as you may have heard, is terrible, unless you’ve always wanted to talk to your phone and have it not understand you. So, cellular contracts being what they are, I was unable to upgrade my phone because I had not owned my phone for 20 months yet, which was fine, because it was the same phone, with Siri. I could wait patiently for the iPhone 5, which would, by my math, be released when I was due for a new phone.

So here we are, in the world where an iPhone 5 exists as a physical reality. Time for me to get a new phone, right? Well, close. If you have a calculator handy, do me a favor and do some math with me. (Yes, I know, I told you there would be no math. I lie frequently.) Start on February 10, 2011. Move ahead a month to March 10, then another to April 10. Keep doing that until you have moved forward twenty months. What day are you on? If your answer was anything other than “October 10, 2012,” take a moment to feel ashamed of yourself and your subpar mathematical skills. Really. Get your stuff together, for Pete’s sake.

Where was I before I started trying to drive all my readership away? That’s right. October 10, 2012. Now go back to the beginning of this post and tell me what day I said the iPhone 5 was coming out. I’ll wait. … You ready? Cool. September 21, 2012. Now which day comes first, September 21 or October 10? Correct. September 21 is before October 10 by about 2.5 weeks. Which means, should I care to get an iPhone 5, I have to wait a whole two-and-a-half extra weeks to get it.

My God, how you are a wuss, I hear you saying.

Okay, first off, yes, you have pegged me correctly. Also, First World Problems. I know. I know. Stop making me feel badly about myself. Yes, 2.5 weeks is not all that long a period of time. But still, 2.5 weeks is not instant gratification, which is what I desire. And so, this very morning, I called Verizon Wireless, hat in hand, to see if maybe, possibly, just this one time they could consider moving my upgrade date up just a small bit.

First off, just as a helpful tip, if you want a multinational corporation to do you a solid, maybe don’t write a column on the subject of what ineffectual human dum-dums they are a month or two prior. It does not help out your case all of that much.

Secondly, and more importantly, I am not allowed to have the things that I want in this life. “Sad tear.” – You. ┬áBecause the Verizon customer service representative that I spoke with (who was very pleasant and helpful and towards whom I harbor no personal animosity whatsoever) informed me that Verizon Wireless would be more than happy to help me out with this very small request, were they able to, but unfortunately when Apple first brought the iPhone to Verizon, as part of their contract, they specifically stated that when it came to the iPhone or any other Apple product, there were to be no early upgrades whatsoever. So important was this, I believe, it was actually Steve Job’s deathbed wish, that I not get my iPhone a second earlier than I should. Thus, if they were to cut me a break, it would actually void their entire contract with Apple.

So, in the interest of maintaining American commerce just as it is today, I guess I will be patient and wait until my upgrade date. You’re welcome, everybody, by the way.

And that’s today’s tale of woe and sadness, how I can’t immediately have the toy that I want. Thanks for reading, and if you need me, I’m going to go see if I can find something I can sleep under for a couple of weeks. Enjoy the rest of your September.

Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and will be turning over the reins of this blog for the next couple of weeks to his friend Erik Hagen, who has a very similar writing style as well as having the same name. So everything will be fine. Send your detailed listings of how much better Android phones are to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at sodblog.com.

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I came into this world naked, covered in blood and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.

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