I want to tell you now about a feeling that I hate having. I hate the feeling of sitting in front of my computer, trying desperately to think of something to write about for this here blog/column, when there is this one subject that is right there, that everybody else is talking about, that is perfect fodder for written material in every discernible way, and that’s why I cannot possibly use it. That is the feeling I am having now, sitting here, as the voice in the back of my head keeps saying, “Hey, write about the Romney tape. Why don’t you write about the Romney tape? You should write about the Romney tape.”
No, voice in my head. That’s too simple, I think back to it. And what’s funny about it? Is there anything funny about it? It doesn’t seem like there is. Besides, I live in a state that is predominately Republican, and if I write a post ridiculing their choice of nominee for the office of the Presidency, they may accuse me of being a sort of communist. There has to be something else I can write about. Candy Corn Oreos. Gangnam Style. Honey Boo Boo. Anything. Please. Just not the Romney tape.
Sigh. So about the Romney tape.
Let’s start off with this disclaimer before I go all full libtard on all of y’all. I don’t hate Mitt Romney. In fact, I think I might be in love with the guy. I knew it back in 2008, when I had one look at him with his Guy Smiley-looking face and weatherman plastic hair and creepy, dead smile that he was the one for me. Then everyone started talking about him strapping his dog to this top of his car while he went on family vacations, and he had five creepy adult sons with names like Tagg, and he randomly blurted out “Who let the dogs out? Who? Who?” whenever he was surrounded by a group of young, black children, and the guy from LMFAO took a swing at him on an airplane, and I knew immediately that this guy was something special. And then John McCain beat him in the primary and, ugh, the rest of 2008 just sucked so much.
Fast forward to this year and yay, Mitt’s the man, and he has not let me down me in the slightest. He is, and I say this without hyperbole, the greatest human being in the history of being. Everything he does is transcendent. He makes me want to be a better person, just by his existing. If Mitt Romney did not exist, we would have to create him. Because he is just so much the perfect politician, or rather the person trying to be what he believes a politician to be, and then failing in every way possible, which is what I love about him. And I can call him Mittens! Do you know how long I’ve waited to have a politician I could call Mittens?
So anyway, I was just trying to soak up everything about Mitt Romney in the limited amount of time that we have him around, until November when he disappears forever (Unless, somehow, he manages to win in spite of himself, in which case, PRESIDENT ROMNEY? I haven’t been nearly good enough in this life to deserve that.), and then this tape comes out this week. You may have heard about it. It was taken of him in secret at a rich person’s benefit dinner, and Mother Jones brought it to the Internet’s attention just yesterday afternoon. If you haven’t heard, however, somehow, I’ll helpfully transcribe it for you, and then maybe we’ll discuss the things that he said.
- There are 47 percent of the people who will vote for the president no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it. That that’s an entitlement. And the government should give it to them. And they will vote for this president no matter what…These are people who pay no income tax.
GYARGH! Mittens! What are you doing?
Now there’s a lot of divergent opinions on the things that Mitt said there, with the rabid liberal partisans saying that Mitt Romney for sure just lost the election, and the rabid conservative partisans saying that what Mitt Romney said was perfect and that he should start saying it to everyone all the time. Personally, I’m somewhere in the middle. Because first off, you know, duh. Of course that’s what Mitt Romney thinks. Hasn’t he already said most of that stuff? I don’t think he’s been keeping his awkward out-of-touch rich man bona fides all that guarded of a secret. So yeah, Mitt Romney thinks half of the country are parasites feeding off of the upper class. Of course he does.
Same time, though, let’s try not to get hung up on the fact the Mitt Romney is clearly an unlikeable human being. Like I said, knew that one already. Chances are, that won’t have too much of an effect on any of the people who vote for him. I get the feeling that I’d run out of things to say to Barack Obama about five minutes after meeting him, followed by many more minutes of awkward silence and me staring at the ceiling (Probably wouldn’t be his fault. I’m terrible at human interaction.). Didn’t stop me from voting for the guy in 2008, won’t stop me this year. Because you don’t need to personally like a guy to vote for him for President. You just have to not dislike him more than the guy he’s running against. That’s how Bush won two elections. What I am most concerned about is this, which is not what everyone else is upset about, Mitt Romney being a wildly unlikable snobbish rich plutocrat, which should give you as much insight into my brain as you could possibly ask for.
Mitt Romney is apparently some kind of an idiot.
Look, I don’t like saying that. He doesn’t seem stupid. Most of the times you see him on television, he appears to have both his shoes on the right feet. But he quite clearly he is. Because listen to what he said. He believes, in his heart of hearts, that entering into a Presidential election against an incumbent President, even one that was facing some pretty long odds for reelection, that he is by default already down by 47 points. He believes this to be true, and yet there he is, still running for President. Really, Mitt? Because I’m not running for President (at least not this year), and I know that if I changed my mind tomorrow, and the first thing I found out was that 47% of the country was definitely going to vote against me, I’d quit immediately. And you would too. Because those odds are insane.
Let’s assume that Mitt Romney is correct, that 47% of the entire nation are worthless, parasitic mooches, feeding off of the government dole, not getting jobs, not contributing to society, and are for sure going to vote for Barack Obama no matter what. He’s wrong, of course, because that is an insane belief to have, but let’s pretend that it’s right. Barack Obama already has 47% of the vote. Do you really think, if you happen to be Mitt Romney, that from here until election day, you can convince every single person you meet to vote for you? Because he needs to! He doesn’t have any room for error! Barack Obama just needs to pick up a couple more percentage points of everyone who’s left and he wins. You could be Pol Pot or Caligula or Kim Kardashian and convince at least 3% of the undecided voters in America to vote for you. Mitt Romney is, from all appearances, the kind of person who willingly dives headfirst into insurmountable odds, and where I come from, there’s a couple words to describe that kind of a person: Highly unintelligent.
So that’s what I choose to take away from this. Mitt Romney is participating in an election that he starts out with slightly less than half of the country refusing to vote for him, because Mitt Romney desperately wants to lose an election. And you gotta give it to him. He’s doing a great job at it.