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Ninjas now policing movie theaters. Not good.

By   /   September 21, 2012  /   No Comments

I think we’ve all had the experience of being in a movie theater and having your fellow moviegoers talking through the movie or using their cell phones or blocking the screen with their big, dumb heads.

We’ve all been there, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who, when in this situation, has thought to themselves that it would be great if I could sneak out of the theater, put on the ninja costume that I have in the trunk of my car, sneak back in and then beat that person about the face region with my nunchucks.

Wait, you say I am the only one who’s thought that? Also, I’m the only person with ninja gear in my car? OK, pretend I didn’t say anything. Really. REALLY.

Anyway, over in Great Britain, it turns out that the proprietors of the Prince Charles Cinema in London are apparently inside of my head, which a scary place to be. Because they have had the same idea. And they are implementing it.

At the Prince Charles Cinema in London, a volunteer crew of darkly-clad “ninjas” has assembled to silence the loud talkers, halt the never-ending texters, and generally improve the movie-going experience. The ninjas are dressed in full-body spandex suits made by Morphsuits, a Scottish clothing company that declares their colorful garments to be “the costume phenomenon taking over the world.”

According to Morphsuits founder Gregor Lawson, the whole thing started on the Morphsuits Facebook page, where the idea of movie theater ninjas began, and it only grew from there.

The ninjas now have permission to pounce whenever a theatergoer breaks the theater’s “code of conduct,” which includes texting or eating popcorn too loudly. Lawson and his company have also offered free Morphsuits to other movie theaters around the world willing to employ a ninja task force of their own.

So that’s happening. Yes, if you happen to be one of those annoying people that I run into so frequently in my daily happenings, you will no longer be permitted to be so annoying all the time, or at least not when you’re watching movies in the same theater as me. Because if you are, you will be descended upon by a team of people in black body suits who will carry you screaming from the theater, off into the night to do with you God knows what. And that doesn’t sound like something anyone would want to have happen.

Look, I’m as on board with the implementation of ninja protocol into as many day-to-day activities as is humanly possible, but I do worry that this particular case, which at first glance seems like it’d be awesome, turns out to be slightly flawed in execution. The most glaring problem is this: Black Morphsuits? Really? Because as we all know, this is a ninja.

Ninja.

And this is the black suit guy from American Horror Story.

Not a ninja.

In between, never the two shall meet. Because it’s weird, right? When I see a guy in a black bodysuit, I don’t think “Hey, cool! Ninja!” I think, “Oh my Lord, where am I right now? And how do I escape from it?” Look at this picture, for Pete’s sake.

NO! DON’T LET THEM TAKE ME!

 

You’re not thinking you’re about to see some awesome ninja action about to happen, are you? With ninja kicks and spins and smoke bombs and ninja stars flying all over? No, of course not. You are praying for those boys and for their families, because they are never going to be seen by anyone ever again. Also, that is the image that will be in your nightmares tonight, I guarantee you.

Also, why exactly do the “ninjas” need to be wearing black suits in the first place? Is the element of surprise really that important for this operation? Couldn’t you just, I don’t know, empower random theater goers to eject obnoxious patrons at will, without them needing to be invisible in the process?

Better yet, I know movie theaters can be a bit dark, but I’m still pretty sure that if I’m in a theater with a guy in a black body suit, even if he’s sitting several rows ahead of me, I’m still going to see him. And it’s going to kind of weird me out.

Also, these aren’t professionally trained movie theater ninjas they’re employing. No sir, instead they’re just ordinary citizens chosen at random and given free range to eject theatergoers at will in exchange for seeing a movie for free.

Shouldn’t there be some sort of a class that the ninjas are required to take? Who watches the watchmen? This kind of power seems like it’d be easily corrupted, by which I mean, if it was me chosen to do this, I’d throw everybody else out of the theater and enjoy every show I ever went to, in a theater all to myself, front row center dressed in my creepy gimp outfit. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, let’s not forget that.

Finally, no good ideas have ever come from Facebook. Ever.

So we can all agree that this is a terrible plan, right? Besides, if we all start going around impersonating ninjas in our theater-policing activities, we all know it’s just going to make the real ninjas angry. And we do not want to make the real ninjas angry. Because the real ninjas are not just limited to a darkened movie theater, and they don’t need your atrocious movie-watching behavior as an incentive to strike. If they want you gone, you’re gone.

And you can bet that when they come for you, they will not be dressed in Morphsuits. Because even they think that’s kind of creepy.

Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and now has his Halloween costume figured out early. Send your ninja emails (the kind he doesn’t see coming until they’re embedded in his forehead) to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at SodBlog.com.

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I came into this world naked, covered in blood and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.

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