As a credentialed member of the news media, it is expected of me to, from time to time, get you all worked up about something that you really have no need to be concerned about. I do this not because I have to, but because it is funny.
So, today, I must inform you of the following fact that may or may not be true: WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF BACON.
That’s right. You know bacon? How awesome it is and how you wish you were eating it right now? Well, you should be eating it right now because we are running out of it.
That’s right, we are almost all out of bacon, and that is bad news because once we are all out of bacon, that is when all the murdering will start. Because a world without bacon is a world without laws, and killing is the only thing left to do when we cannot eat bacon any longer.
Also, it turns out that you look and smell delicious right now.
Now you may be wondering to yourself, “How can we be running out of bacon? Wouldn’t that imply that pigs are going extinct? I see pigs all over the place.” And you’re right, of course. But also wrong. Because the bacon shortage isn’t caused so much by pig shortages as it is by the rising costs of corn, which is what pigs eat. That means pig farmers will be making less bacon because they will be buying and killing fewer pigs. So if you’re worried about the pigs, don’t be, because this is actually not a bad deal for them, what with considerably fewer of them scheduled to be turned into bacon in the next year or so.
But wait, you now wonder, if we have no bacon to eat, what will we eat instead? Broccoli? Well, the simple answer would be this:
That’s right. Beggin Strips. Buy them by the case, people. Because if your dog can’t tell the difference between this and bacon, neither can you.
Otherwise, I just don’t see how a life without bacon is worth living. Chewing is, as we all know, a wasted effort if there aren’t currently any bacon bits in between your teeth. So what hope is there, other than to beg that comet to hurry up and obliterate us sooner than at the end of the year? Come and get us, uncaring universe! We have no reason to carry on!
So, now, here’s your reason to carry on: Everything I just wrote about earlier, ignore it. There is no bacon shortage. The National Pig Association of Britain – now that I know of its existence, I desperately need to be a part of it – were the ones responsible for this bacon panic, and their reasoning for it was to get British supermarkets to pay pig farmers more for their product. And now, American agricultural economists are stepping forward to tell everyone, “My word, chill the fudge out, we got this.”
- “The idea that there’ll be widespread shortages, that we’ll run out of pork, that’s really overblown.” – John Anderson, American Farm Bureau economist
So we’re not running out of bacon then? Awesome! You know what to do, everybody. Go get your forks and knives. We are headed to the pig farms tonight. You want to see a real bacon shortage? We’ll show you one, after we eat all of the pigs.
Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and intends to make good on his promise to eat all of the pigs. Send your undying devotions to bacon to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at SodBlog.com.