The news. Do you ever watch it? I don’t, really, but it must be good, because it seems like they show it two to three times every night. It looks like it’d interesting enough. Anyway, the people that you usually see on the news are typically like everyone else you see on television – visually attractive. You might think that’s because people like to watch pretty people, so they do that to increase their ratings. But I bet you didn’t know that they also do that because they are required to, because young people base their physical appearances solely on what they see in newscasters. Did you know that? Well, you do now.
So in La Crosse, Wisconsin, the CBS affiliate WKBT has a news anchor named Jennifer Livingston, who is the sister of actor Ron Livingston, who played Peter Gibbons in Office Space, which has nothing to do with what we’re talking about today but I only mention because I happen to think that it’s awesome. Anyway, this is Jennifer Livingston.
Looks like a fairly normal human being, the kind you see out on the street every day of your life outside of your office window, correct? Yes. But also, no. Because it turns out that Jennifer Livingston is history’s greatest monster, which was pointed out to Jennifer via the following letter from a viewer:
It’s unusual that I see your morning show, but I did so for a very short time today. I was surprised indeed to witness that your physical condition hasn’t improved for many years. Surely you don’t consider yourself a suitable example for this community’s young people, girls in particular. Obesity is one of the worst choices a person can make and one of the most dangerous habits to maintain. I leave you this note hoping that you’ll reconsider your responsibility as a local public personality to present and promote a healthy lifestyle.
Surely, Jennifer, you don’t consider yourself a suitable example for the community’s young people. Surely! Why, just look at you, being on television and encouraging the youth of America to not be physically fit with your not-completely-perfect physique. This is a travesty, we can all agree!
Naturally, Jennifer felt the need to respond to these accusations of her being solely responsible for the obesity problem of all of America’s young people, so she gave a four-minute on-air comment devoted to the subject. I feel like you should watch it.
So that’s good, right? Passive-aggressive d-bag sends passive-aggressive d-bag letter to news personality, news personality embarrasses passive-aggressive d-bag in front of the community, and now the entire country. All is well and good in the world again. But wait, we should probably get a reaction from the passive-aggressive d-bag before we put this thing to rest. What say you, d-bag?
Given this country’s present epidemic of obesity and the many truly horrible diseases related thereto, and considering Jennifer Livingston’s fortuitous position in the community, I hope she will finally take advantage of a rare and golden opportunity to influence the health and psychological well-being of Coulee Region children by transforming herself for all of her viewers to see over the next year, and, to that end, I would be absolutely pleased to offer Jennifer any advice or support she would be willing to accept.
Wow, man, do you ever suck.
Now it probably goes without saying, but this particular creep is a personal injury lawyer by trade. Not that I’m saying all personal injury lawyers are creepy, scummy little toolboxes, but this one sure is. And his name is Kenneth Krause, which again, of course that’s his name. Kenneth Krause. Just say it out loud to yourself and see if your mouth doesn’t immediately taste like pickles. And just so you know, since Kenneth is all about judging people based upon their physical appearances, here’s what the dude looks like.
Now, clearly, when this guy preaches physical fitness for the masses, he’s at least not hypocritical enough to be a big, fat guy himself. Points for that. From a physical standpoint, he practices what he preaches. But the thing he should be concerned about is this. He takes Mrs. Livingston to task for setting a bad example for children because she appears on television, where kids can see her, and she is in less-than-stellar shape. By this guy’s standards, she is setting a bad example simply because she is visibly fat. Yet, at the same time, he is making himself public being a bullying, hectoring sack of dog crap. So he, by his own beliefs, is setting an even worse example for the kids, when he comes to the conclusion that the best way to express his opinions to other people is by being a complete douche about it.
So which is worse? Which sets a worse example for the children, being visibly overweight or being quite obviously a tool? I guess that’s a personal choice, but in my mind’s eye, the difference between being someone who’s overweight and someone who is a terrible human being is that the former can always lose weight, whereas the latter is always going to suck. Believe me, I’ve known enough people like this guy in my life to know they don’t change. So I wish this world had more Jennifer Livingstons and fewer Kenneth Krauses. Maybe we wouldn’t all be so pretty to look at, but man, at least there’d be fewer lawyers. Am I right?