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Letters to people who probably won’t answer

By   /   October 9, 2012  /   No Comments

Dear Rhea Perlman and Danny Devito:

I heard the news about you two kids, and I have to tell you that it has really destroyed my entire life. That’s not hyperbole. You two were, by no stretch of the imagination, literally made for one another. Now that you are no longer together, I no longer have a purpose. If you two kids couldn’t make it, what hope do the rest of us have? Is love even for real? Are we all truly alone in this life? Will any of us know anything other than our suffering? Heavy thoughts, I agree. Didn’t mean to dump them on you. You’re probably both going through enough already.

Take care,

Erik Hagen

—–

Dear Will Arnett and Amy Poehler:

I am enclosing a copy of a letter that I wrote to Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman. It is applicable to the two of you as well.

Also take care,

Erik Hagen

—–

Dear President Barack Obama:

Way to go, buddy. That was super, watching you at the debate just standing there, not doing anything, occasionally checking to see if your shoes were still tied. You know why they call those debates, right? Because that’s what you’re supposed to be doing? On the positive side, I still feel like a theoretical President Romney will give me much better material to work with than you would have.

Pick up your game, son,

Erik Hagen

—–

Dear NBC:

I saw today that the 4th season of Community, which was already shortened to 13 episodes and moved to Fridays and had its premiere postponed until October, is now not going to be premiered at all until whenever you all feel like getting around to it. If it is the last thing I do, I will hunt down every last one of you and unleash the fiery fury of my unholy vengeance. I swear to the Lord Himself, I will spit my last breath at thee.

Sincerely,

Erik Hagen

—–

Dear Legislator in Arkansas That People Have Presumably Voted For in the Past:

I really don’t think you’ve given this plan of yours as much thought as you should. Seriously. It is not a good plan. I don’t think you’ll find that much support for it.

Seriously,

Erik Hagen

—–

Dear Ryan Gosling:

I haven’t noticed that you’ve been in the news for anything lately. I just wanted to see how things were going.

Totally cool,

Erik Hagen

—–

Dear Jerry Sandusky:

Rot.

Sincerely,

Erik Hagen

—–

Dear Ben Siegel Reptile Store in Deerfield Beach, Florida:

I’m not what you would call a medical expert, by any means, but I am worldly enough to know that the consumption of bugs is, generally speaking, usually a pretty bad idea. Which is why, considering, basing a contest around awarding a free snake to whoever could eat the most bugs was probably not the greatest idea, and the winner of said contest promptly dropping dead at its conclusion was not an entirely foregone conclusion for the matter. Regardless, have a super lawsuit.

Seriously, not more bug eating contests,

Erik Hagen

—–

Dear Pizza Hut:

This is a very stupid idea that you are promoting, and besides, it will only just get in the way of President Obama staring listlessly at the floor.

Love the cheesy bread,

Erik Hagen

—–

Dear Kid With Extremely Short Attention Span:

I just quickly wanted you to let you know that I think

Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and needs to go get some more stamps. Send your letters that he probably won’t answer to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at SodBlog.com.

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About the author

Blogger/Columnist

I came into this world naked, covered in blood and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.

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