Once again, dear reader, it is time for us to wade into the waters of the Presidential election, because in two weeks it will be all over with and then what will we talk about? Our feelings? Pfft. Anyway, I wrote a post a while back where I scoffed at the idea of Mitt Romney having any kind of chance of being elected President, and then he went and disappointed me, like always, by suddenly becoming a viable candidate. So I was wrong, I admit it, and I apologize for that. This election suddenly could go other way, and with two weeks to go, you know what that means. That’s right. October surprise time!
Now, if you’re not familiar with the man, there is a guy out there named Donald Trump who claims to be rich and has his own reality show on the teevee and wear a live animal on his head in place of hair. This guy, Donald Trump, he likes when people pay attention to him, which is why he spends his every waking moment waving his hands around and screaming “Look at me!” This is not a humorous statement. That is actually a thing that he does. And since nobody was looking at him, what with this election going on and everything, Donald Trump decided he would interject himself and get people to pay attention to him again. So you just knew this was going to be good.
Thus, a few weeks ago, Trump started to advertise that he had a “huge announcement.” He had intel on President Barack Obama that, in his belief, could possibly alter the outcome of the election. It was big. It was huge. Donald Trump had the goods on Obama, and he was going to release what he knew and it was going to change EVERYTHING. And if it sounds like I’m adding hyperbole to all of that, trust me when I say that was only a fraction of how the man himself was hyping it. As with all things Donald Trump, this was going to be the BIGGEST. THING. EVER.
So today was the day. Today, Donald Trump was showing his cards. Everyone was super excited to se just what Donald Trump had. Was it the real birth certificate? Divorce papers? The rocket ship Barack Obama arrived on this planet from? This was it. Today was the last day of the Obama campaign. Call your fellow Obama-loving friends and tell them that you live them. Brace yourself! This is it!
And yeah. That was it.
Now, assuming you’re like me and can’t sit through listening to Donald Trump for more than ten seconds without being distracted by just how big and purple his head is, I’ll give you a redacted transcript of the meat of what Trump was saying, in between his usual blusteryness.
- “I have a deal for the president, a deal that I don’t believe he can refuse, and I hope he doesn’t. If Barack Obama opens up and gives his college records and applications, and if he gives his passport applications and records, I will give, to a charity of his choice—inner-city children in Chicago, American Cancer Society, AIDS research, anything he wants—a check, immediately, for $5 million.”
Donald Trump’s “big announcement” was, essentially, Donald Trump begging pretty please for Barack Obama to prove that he’s smart enough and American enough to be President, in exchange for free money. I don’t know how anyone didn’t see this coming.
Now there’s a few gaps in the logic of Donald Trump’s genius plan here, and because we are intrinsically a curious people, you and I, let us break down what they are. First off, as is the norm for Donald Trump, the big, earth-shattering news that would alter the course of human events was, at its core, all about Donald Trump. There’s no actual news involved with any of this, but rather it is just a huge P.R. stunt. If lowly American president Barack Obama will but dig up the transcripts for his every living accomplishment and prove, once and for all, that he actually does exist, then gracious multi-billionaire Donald Trump will humbly donate five million dollars of his limitless monetary funds towards any charity on earth. Not only will it destroy the Obama presidency, but also everyone gets to see what a super nice guy Donald Trump is. It’s a win-win for Donald Trump, the only person who winning matters for.
Next, just to clarify, Donald Trump has let the world know that if he chose to, he could donate five million dollars to charity, right now. Any time he wanted, he could totally do it. But, kind-hearted individual that he is, he chooses not to unless the President turns over his college transcripts and passport activity. In Donald Trump’s mind, he is a hero who is using his millions of dollars to force an deal that cannot be refused upon the leader of the free world in exchange for undermining his entire Presidency. In the real world, where the rest of us currently reside, a worthless piece of crap just announced to the world that he has an extra five million dollars to give away for the betterment of humanity, but he chooses not to. Because he is a slug.
And one last little bon mot, um, Donald, I know you’re trying help your boy Mitt out here, but maybe you could have done so in some way that didn’t involve demanding his opponent release his hidden records and be transparent with the American people when your favored Presidential candidate had this whole thing where he refused to release his tax returns? Because it seems to me that even if this dumb plan had worked, somehow, you kind of draw attention back to that whole thing right before the election, when everyone had kind of already forgotten about it.
There’s lots more that can be taken from all this, and I’m sure other people will do so, but at its essence, Donald Trump’s “big announcement” was exactly what you’d expect from a human being made entire out of hot gas – more hot gas. If Donald Trump really wanted to help Mitt Romney get elected, the best he could have done was kept his mouth shut the last nine months. Which is why I, humble blogger Erik Hagen, am prepared to make a counter offer to the President. If Barack Obama, President of these here United States, will completely ignore Donald Trump’s offer in its entirety, not even say a single word about it, just pretend the whole idiotic thing didn’t happen, then I will donate five dollars (!) of my own money to a charity of the President’s choosing. Which is not five million dollars, I admit, but it is roughly the same percentage of my own monetary value as five million dollars is of Donald Trump’s worth (supposedly).
That’s a deal I don’t believe you can refuse, Mr. President, and I hope that you won’t. Five bucks to ignore Donald Trump, just like I intend to right after writing this paragraph. Don’t let us down, sir. The fate of this nation depends on it. No hyperbole.
Bismarck resident Erik Hagen is the author of the SodBlog and will seriously be donating that five dollars if today is the last day he hears about any of this crap. Send your donations to SodBlog@me.com or visit his website at SodBlog.com.